I Am That Which I Say I Am

So, I was given the gift of an amazing acting mentor/coach. This woman was not very well liked within the School of Drama at the University I was attending. She had the reputation of being a bitch. “She will rip you apart!” “She has made even the strongest of people leave the stage in tears…she’s a witch!” “Oh, Girl! You’ve got her for a teacher?! Oh, you should’ve waited until next semester when Mr. X will be teaching!” “Honey, I want to congratulate you on the part in the play you got, but I wouldn’t work with her for the world. It’s going to be awful with her directing it.”

I remember simply smiling and figuring I would take her into my experience on my own terms rather than others’ experiences. I’m glad I did. Did she get feisty? Yes. But, only when she saw someone giving less than they were capable of; when she saw them being lazy and not caring. Was she a bitch? Absolutely not. Did she ever rip me apart? No, but I knew when she was frustrated with me - when she felt I hadn’t given my best and, dang it all, I always knew that she was right when that happened.

She nurtured and cajoled and believed and pushed. I loved her and still do though I have lost track of her. She became my “official” mentor and mentored more than just acting for me. She was mentor in the real sense of the word. I was, at the time, married to an abusive man, so some of the things she would tell me or tell the class fell on ground inside that shook in awakening with her words. Words such as “You are enough. You have enough. You have enough talent, abilities, looks, time, desire and life to make what you want real.” “Don’t let anyone ever tell you, you are too sensitive. Do you not know that your sensitivity is one of your greatest strengths? As an actor, you absolutely need that level of sensitivity to master your art, to master this thing called acting. And don’t you know that it is your level of heart and level of sensitivity that makes you amazing as you are whether you continue in acting or not? No, you are not too sensitive and never allow that thought into your mind and never listen when someone tells you this.”

And, then there was this statement: “I don’t care if you have never been in a play. I don’t care if you have ever even walked on a stage. From this moment on, when someone asks you what you do, you tell them that you are an actor. Why? Because this begins a process in your mind that allows you to believe in what you are doing. It opens the door to actually becoming an actor. What you speak of becomes what you believe. What you believe becomes what you are. This is in any area of life.”

I do not act anymore and I do not know if I will again. It’s not something I’m thinking about. But, all of her words have stayed with me. So, in these days of mine, I am allowing more of my emotions and joy to show. I am allowing myself to believe in my enoughness (it’s a word now! :o) :p ). And, I am saying what and who I am whether I am in actuality there at the moment for who I say I am, I become.