Of Guard Dogs, Arrows and Self-Doubt

Just the other day I was reminded of a part of my life that is not the most pleasant to remember. It was just an innocent comment on one of my social networking groups that I read way too early in the morning – while my soft underbelly was still exposed and I still half asleep. There was absolutely no way this person could have possibly known and the comment wasn’t even to me or about me, but it flattened me. And, oddly, I am still feeling the effects of it (though to be fair, there are other contributing factors to this flattened feeling as well). And I’m hearing the “how can I possibly make all this work?” The, “I don’t have…I can’t see….I don’t know….what if I don’t…..” Under it all is the worry that maybe, just maybe, I’m not good enough and maybe, just maybe, that’s why everything I’m working on is on the edge of doing something but hasn’t actually done anything. Maybe, I’m not worthy.

Grrr…..!!!!

Where are these thoughts coming from???? After all, didn’t I just make it through the bombardment of everyone else giving out their warnings and their ‘can’t dos’ and their ‘why bothers’ and the like? Is it really possible that one comment that triggered one memory, painful though it is, could flatten me for days where an entire day full of negativity couldn’t?

Yep.

Why? Because those doubts that come from within are far more difficult to get over than the doubts that come from the lives of others. So, today, being rather sick of the flattened feeling, I’ve decided to look at it full on and see what can be done.

First I have to look at the memory and see what feelings are around it. While I won’t be sharing the actual experience here (soft underbelly and all that :) ), I can share the feelings it evoked as these are universal. What washed over me in reading the comment was anger, understanding, memories of shame and bone deep humiliation, fears of not having enough, fears of survival and keeping the roof over my head, feelings of being judged, unseen, alone, forsaken, of not knowing how the hell I was going to pull myself up, pain.

That one, fully innocent comment time travelled me back to that place in an instant. Wow. Memories are potent. This particular one caused me to give the command “shields up!” and pull out of that glorious ocean of creativity to plop down in the cracked desert of doubt and fear.

The thing is shields and walls are not bad to have. They’re there for a reason – protection. They’re wonderful devices. However, when they are no longer needed, they’re not so pleasant. They can get locked into place, especially when they’ve been needed for a prolonged period of time. When that happens they actually interfere with everything you wish to achieve in your life whether that’s weight loss, asking for a promotion, truly loving someone, starting your own business, approaching that agent, auditioning for that play, applying for the patent, or anything else.

A very wise person told me not too long ago to imagine that these walls are guard dogs. They have been trained to protect you and will continue to do so even if you no longer need them to – that is their reason for existence. “Sit down with them,” he told me, “and thank them for the job they’ve been doing. Give them cookies and treats a good scratch behind the ears, because, really they’ve done a fabulous job. If you no longer need the protection they’re giving you, give them a new job, give them something else to protect. Set them the task of clearing the way. They’ve taken care of you all this time and still want to be there for you.”

I was charmed by that because I love dogs and could easily see these walls suddenly become loving, guard dogs.

So, I sat down with this particular guard dog this morning and had a good chat, gave him a cookie and definitely a good scratch behind the ears and gave him some new tasks today. I told him that I needed him to protect my finances and my home by clearing the way for my projects to complete and be successful, I needed him to escort to my door people, experiences and knowledge that would help me move forward, I needed him to protect my creativity by keeping the pathway to my heart and spirit clear and free from weeds and predators and I needed him to protect who I am by reminding me to toss a ball for him now and again and walk with him through the beauty and miracle of nature and life.

I could actually see him wagging his tail. In my mind, this wall became Daed – a beloved furry four-pawed beastie whose passing left a very deep hole. A big, furry, black Akita, looking more like a black bear than a dog, with a beautiful heart of gold. Protective and loving - and seeing him, I felt something loosen inside and my throat relax.

Daed chewing on an obviously tasty bone. :)

Okay, wonderful. Now what can be done about the feelings “I don’t have…I can’t see….I don’t know….what if I don’t…..?”

Last week I picked up a bow and arrow for the first time since my sophomore year in academy (we were introduced to archery for about 2 or 3 weeks). I stood there, at the range, surrounded by all these people who knew what they were doing and wondered if maybe I should just watch this time around. Instead, I stepped to the line, went into position, nocked the arrow, pulled the string and let the arrow fly. It actually hit the target! And, the feeling inside was as if I had been doing archery all my life. It fit me.

In the entire day I hit outside the target maybe three times and, yes, I hit the target next to mine twice (LOL) but not once did I hit the ground nor overshoot. The vast majority of the times I aimed and shot, I hit the target and while, never the bull’s-eye, I came pretty close to it with almost every arrow. At the end of the practice a man wearing a white wrist guard (signifying that he had received the Order of the Grey Goose – the highest achievement in archery in the *SCA and recognized within the world of archery as mastery) approached me and said “I am told that you are new to archery. I’ve been watching you and think you may very well be a natural. You’ve got amazing focus. I’d like to see you come back for real training.”

One of the things I took from that day was maintaining focus. Allowing everything else to drop away, relaxing, and seeing only where I’m going each time I stepped to the line. I may not always know what I’m doing but I see my target and I am focused on it. Even when I miss the target or even find myself inexplicably aimed at someone else’s target, I step up to the line, focus on my target again and shoot. Every time I do I get closer to the bull’s-eye.

And I learned that when you are attempting something and you stay focused on it, those that can help you are watching and will step forward to help you when you are ready.

How do you get past the “I don’t have…I can’t see….I don’t know….what if I don’t…..?” You step to the line, see your target, nock your arrow, pull back the string, let everything else drop away, breathe, and with a peaceful, poised focus, you let your arrow fly. And, if you miss the bull’s-eye or even the target itself, you retrieve your arrows, step to the line, see your target, nock your arrow….

All else follows. Breathe.

*Society for Creative Anachronism

The Encampment of Discouragement

I have spent most of the morning hearing: "It is nearly impossible...," "Beware of...," "More than likely you will never...," "Unless you are already (fill in the blank), you should not expect..." Each statement an arrow aiming to pierce my armour and kill off my belief in what I am doing.

I was seeking information on publishing a book of haiku poetry. I already knew that poetry is a hard-sell because of the unfortunate fact that it is a niche market - there are many more people who would prefer to read the latest summer sensation than would read poetry. I'm not against the summer reads - I would be happy to have one published and sold and am working on a novel or two. But, I think there's room for writing such as poetry. In fact, I think it's vitally important as it holds the art of the times in words and just as film will never take the place of a beautiful painting we know that both are needed and valued.

I began to feel discouragement set up camp just outside and march in formation attempting to intimidate me enough to give up before I even try. While thoughts of drowning myself in chocolate called to me, I began also to think about something more useful - defenses to this discouragement. What do I have at my disposal that can simply make it possible to walk right by the camp of discouragement unharmed???


Belief

This is something I’ve already blogged on – you have to know that what you are doing has value and value it accordingly yourself. That belief needs to be nourished to the point of becoming a knowing that infuses your very bones.


Tenacity

I remember years ago there was a drawing that many found charming (though I can’t find the artist to give credit to). It was called Never Give Up and was a cartoon of an Egret trying, unsuccessfully, to swallow a frog. The attempt was unsuccessful because the frog, already having his legs inside the egret’s mouth, had wrapped his arms/hands around the egret’s neck and wouldn’t let go. This is tenacity.

Whatever you wish to succeed in, never give up on. Inherent talent, training, diplomas, money – all of these will fail before tenacity will. Many talented people give in to discouragement and are never heard from. If you have that determination to be heard, all that you need will eventually be yours and you will succeed.


Take out the Trash

I heard a ton of negative things today. But, I also found some useful information. One of the sites I looked at gave the warnings, yes, but also gave helpful guidelines and very useful links. It was a welcome voice of knowledge amongst the battery of “no”-ledge (sorry, cheesy I know but I couldn’t resist. :) ).

It is important to learn what is useful and what is simply not. Usually what are not useful are those things that would destroy your dreams and discourage your attempts. What are useful are those things that will move you forward. What does not help you, throw out. What does help you, keep and use and build on.

Already, in reminding myself of these things as I’m reminding you, I can see the entrance to the path that will have me safely navigating around the encampment of discouragement.

And I am struck with a final thought (not to worry, it didn’t hurt me… ;) ) on getting past discouragement. Well, it’s a question really. Do you believe you are worthy of success?

Awakening Creativity - Part 3

Welcome to part three of a 10 part series exploring the ways in which we can awaken our inherent creative force and free those stuck places that block our efforts.



Show Up

Most writers are familiar with the phrase “butt in seat.” This isn’t a punishment given for going to look out the window or for going to the store or out with friends. It is not a “get your butt back here and sit down and do not leave until I say so.” Ew – even writing that last little bit made me all tense and resistant. Contrary to the negative energy of that last statement, the phrase “butt in seat” is actually a positive reminder…for anyone in any field.

When I was active in the theatre, the last word I would tell myself before walking on stage to perform, was “breathe.” I would be back stage waiting for my cue, shaking, nervous, not even sure if I could remember the words but as soon as I said “breathe” all was well. This was a short-form reminder for me to let go, relax, be in the moment, enjoy, let it flow, etc. It came from years of practicing yoga and learning what “on the breath” meant. Simply saying “breathe” would put me in that relaxed, flowing state and I could hit the stage in full character, relaxed and happy to be there (no matter the part I played). The only time I ever forgot a word and broke character was the one time I forgot to breathe (and, oh yes, I remember that moment…).

“Butt in seat” is a quick three word reminder for what is needed if a writer or anyone else is to succeed in anything we wish to do in life and excel in. In essence it means that in order to get the book written, our butts have to be in our seats writing – at least at some point. No matter how many wonderful ideas and dreams we have, the book will not write itself and send itself to the agents/publishers. If you are not a writer, you can adjust it to your meaning but the essence is still the same.

For quite awhile now, my first CD has been almost complete. Every time I go into the studio, I’m sure I’m going to walk out with a finished CD ready to be replicated and released to the world (to great acclaim, of course ;) ). Each time I have walked out of the studio with another copy of the CD but not the finished copy, my heart aches just that much more and I feel discouraged. To me, there is absolutely no reason it should not be completed by this point and I’ve been working on it for just over a year now. Granted, I have discovered that it is not that uncommon for a CD to take up to a year to produce and finalize (makes me understand and accept even more the pricing of the CDs and not appreciate even more those who would pirate the music) but still there is a feeling that this CD is being dragged out longer than it should for whatever reason.

This last time when I walked out with a still unfinished CD, I wanted to quit. When I got home, I set aside the CD and simply refused to think about it for awhile. Then, just yesterday, I slipped into a reverie and found myself daydreaming of being interviewed (c’mon, don’t tell me you haven’t done this…. ;) and if not, why not? :o) ) and we were talking about my first CD and how it came to be and what I learned from the process and then we moved on to talking about my other CDs and a couple of my books. When I came out of that daydream, I distinctly heard, from the back of my mind, the phrase “butt in seat.” I smiled realizing that at least somewhere I still believed in this CD and in future ones as well as believing in what I write. Yes, the CD is taking a long time - too long - and sometimes I really want to give up. Yes, the empty pages taunting me from an uncompleted book annoy the heck out of me when I can’t find the next few words to get me going again. But this I know…if I do not show up and put my butt in the seat and write or play or record or edit, NOTHING will happen - EVER.

So, everyday, I sit down and stare at my computer screen and some days I write only a word or two and other days words flow all day long. I continue going to the studio knowing that at some point the CD will be complete. I set aside the voices of discouragement, fear and exhaustion. I research outlets for both my books and my CDs. I listen and read, revise and edit, find inspiration and sit with it, dream and work, express gratitude - everyday.

Show up. Breathe. Butt in seat. There you go. :)