Of Guard Dogs, Arrows and Self-Doubt

Just the other day I was reminded of a part of my life that is not the most pleasant to remember. It was just an innocent comment on one of my social networking groups that I read way too early in the morning – while my soft underbelly was still exposed and I still half asleep. There was absolutely no way this person could have possibly known and the comment wasn’t even to me or about me, but it flattened me. And, oddly, I am still feeling the effects of it (though to be fair, there are other contributing factors to this flattened feeling as well). And I’m hearing the “how can I possibly make all this work?” The, “I don’t have…I can’t see….I don’t know….what if I don’t…..” Under it all is the worry that maybe, just maybe, I’m not good enough and maybe, just maybe, that’s why everything I’m working on is on the edge of doing something but hasn’t actually done anything. Maybe, I’m not worthy.

Grrr…..!!!!

Where are these thoughts coming from???? After all, didn’t I just make it through the bombardment of everyone else giving out their warnings and their ‘can’t dos’ and their ‘why bothers’ and the like? Is it really possible that one comment that triggered one memory, painful though it is, could flatten me for days where an entire day full of negativity couldn’t?

Yep.

Why? Because those doubts that come from within are far more difficult to get over than the doubts that come from the lives of others. So, today, being rather sick of the flattened feeling, I’ve decided to look at it full on and see what can be done.

First I have to look at the memory and see what feelings are around it. While I won’t be sharing the actual experience here (soft underbelly and all that :) ), I can share the feelings it evoked as these are universal. What washed over me in reading the comment was anger, understanding, memories of shame and bone deep humiliation, fears of not having enough, fears of survival and keeping the roof over my head, feelings of being judged, unseen, alone, forsaken, of not knowing how the hell I was going to pull myself up, pain.

That one, fully innocent comment time travelled me back to that place in an instant. Wow. Memories are potent. This particular one caused me to give the command “shields up!” and pull out of that glorious ocean of creativity to plop down in the cracked desert of doubt and fear.

The thing is shields and walls are not bad to have. They’re there for a reason – protection. They’re wonderful devices. However, when they are no longer needed, they’re not so pleasant. They can get locked into place, especially when they’ve been needed for a prolonged period of time. When that happens they actually interfere with everything you wish to achieve in your life whether that’s weight loss, asking for a promotion, truly loving someone, starting your own business, approaching that agent, auditioning for that play, applying for the patent, or anything else.

A very wise person told me not too long ago to imagine that these walls are guard dogs. They have been trained to protect you and will continue to do so even if you no longer need them to – that is their reason for existence. “Sit down with them,” he told me, “and thank them for the job they’ve been doing. Give them cookies and treats a good scratch behind the ears, because, really they’ve done a fabulous job. If you no longer need the protection they’re giving you, give them a new job, give them something else to protect. Set them the task of clearing the way. They’ve taken care of you all this time and still want to be there for you.”

I was charmed by that because I love dogs and could easily see these walls suddenly become loving, guard dogs.

So, I sat down with this particular guard dog this morning and had a good chat, gave him a cookie and definitely a good scratch behind the ears and gave him some new tasks today. I told him that I needed him to protect my finances and my home by clearing the way for my projects to complete and be successful, I needed him to escort to my door people, experiences and knowledge that would help me move forward, I needed him to protect my creativity by keeping the pathway to my heart and spirit clear and free from weeds and predators and I needed him to protect who I am by reminding me to toss a ball for him now and again and walk with him through the beauty and miracle of nature and life.

I could actually see him wagging his tail. In my mind, this wall became Daed – a beloved furry four-pawed beastie whose passing left a very deep hole. A big, furry, black Akita, looking more like a black bear than a dog, with a beautiful heart of gold. Protective and loving - and seeing him, I felt something loosen inside and my throat relax.

Daed chewing on an obviously tasty bone. :)

Okay, wonderful. Now what can be done about the feelings “I don’t have…I can’t see….I don’t know….what if I don’t…..?”

Last week I picked up a bow and arrow for the first time since my sophomore year in academy (we were introduced to archery for about 2 or 3 weeks). I stood there, at the range, surrounded by all these people who knew what they were doing and wondered if maybe I should just watch this time around. Instead, I stepped to the line, went into position, nocked the arrow, pulled the string and let the arrow fly. It actually hit the target! And, the feeling inside was as if I had been doing archery all my life. It fit me.

In the entire day I hit outside the target maybe three times and, yes, I hit the target next to mine twice (LOL) but not once did I hit the ground nor overshoot. The vast majority of the times I aimed and shot, I hit the target and while, never the bull’s-eye, I came pretty close to it with almost every arrow. At the end of the practice a man wearing a white wrist guard (signifying that he had received the Order of the Grey Goose – the highest achievement in archery in the *SCA and recognized within the world of archery as mastery) approached me and said “I am told that you are new to archery. I’ve been watching you and think you may very well be a natural. You’ve got amazing focus. I’d like to see you come back for real training.”

One of the things I took from that day was maintaining focus. Allowing everything else to drop away, relaxing, and seeing only where I’m going each time I stepped to the line. I may not always know what I’m doing but I see my target and I am focused on it. Even when I miss the target or even find myself inexplicably aimed at someone else’s target, I step up to the line, focus on my target again and shoot. Every time I do I get closer to the bull’s-eye.

And I learned that when you are attempting something and you stay focused on it, those that can help you are watching and will step forward to help you when you are ready.

How do you get past the “I don’t have…I can’t see….I don’t know….what if I don’t…..?” You step to the line, see your target, nock your arrow, pull back the string, let everything else drop away, breathe, and with a peaceful, poised focus, you let your arrow fly. And, if you miss the bull’s-eye or even the target itself, you retrieve your arrows, step to the line, see your target, nock your arrow….

All else follows. Breathe.

*Society for Creative Anachronism